Rank 1 - Induct the Newbies

This morning my back was aching off the vigorous mopping the day before. It’s no sweat though because my mood has increased to the max this fine day. See every once in a while the numbskulls here short staff themselves by biting off more than they can chew and when that happens opportunities come-a-knockin’. See I got a notice this morning that says I’m to induct the newbloods into the organization today. That is like some top quality responsibility there. I’ll get to show them where the best places to hang around are, where they eat, sleep and shit. I’ll refrain from telling them it’s all in the same location. And to think that just yesterday I was mopping up teeth and rubbing down the grime encrusted taps in the bathroom. I’m even to be paid for my efforts. You’re looking at an up and coming millionaire right here.

So I’m a little late. I’ve dragged my clothes on at a record pace and I’m pacing towards the meeting. I make my enterance.–You’re late.- says this pup with attitude problems. I’m glad I don’t have attitude problems. –RULE ONE! ARRIVE FASHIONABLY LATE!- -Your shirt is on back to front, you know that?- -RULE TWO. SHUT UP- I get to pacing around the room. I wanna make these gits know who’s in charge. –Which of you lot can tell what I’d get if I added some powdered tinymushrooms to an infusion of Slowpoketail?--What are you on about?- I’m losing them. I need a swerve ball to assert my intelligence. I want these minions to envy me, to respect me, to fear me. Muhaha! *cough*. I send out Koffing. –Koffing! Quick! Smog!- the element of surprise! Let’s see how these weaklings deal with—nothing. So Koffing is miffed at me. He’s acting up. The brats are sniggering. This is going awfully. So it comes to this. –I didn’t want to have to do this.- I say readying myself for the unthinkable. –What you going to do? Be fashionable?- it’s time to activate INTIMIDATION MODE.

I begin just staring out the leader of the newbies. Lord of the noobs. I raise my face, square up, and stare the crap out of him. –What are you doing?- I keep staring. I creep forwards.–What, you broken or something?- I keep staring, hard as I can. Koffing has even begun to join in. Still annoyed at the git for not poisoning these freaks to death. –Listen man, stop that you’re creeping me out.- The class are backing off like timid rodents. The mighty stare of doom is a power wieldable only by me. It may or may not be just an ordinary, extensively practiced, angry stare.–Just say something or something or whatever!- it’s maybe been ten minutes by this point, I’ve cornered their leader in the literal corner of the room, the rest of them are silent. I have won!

-Right! I’ll now show you where the grub is at!- I drop the stare and trot out, the Newbies have been tamed and follow me like ducklings. Koffing smogs the empty room behind me. Maybe he only registered it now? I swear he’s broken.

Ah the Team Viper cafeteria. It’s maybe one or two stages cleaner than the bathrooms, but not by too much. I waltz in with the newbies. I’m very aware that the bruiser that held me in a headlock when cleaning yesterday is sat in the room with his cronies around him. One of them has a neck brace on today. I chuckle briefly in my head. –You get fed here so long as you understand that you give in this organization, then you get. Not the other way ‘round.- I feel general nodding behind me. Being in control rocks. Now I know why the higher ups give us such a hard time all the time; because it’s fun basically.

For the next half an hour I give the minions a rundown of the facilities with next to no resistance. Then one of them starts to get a bit ballsy and of course isn’t it the Lord of the Noobs again. See leading things around is kind of like spinning plates. Unless you smash one every once in a while you’ll drop them all. –Are you done yet? I want to get me a Pokemon.- I put down my brief history of the Team Viper HQ and wander over to the arguable student whilst rolling up a magazine that happened to be on hand. I begin whacking the git over the face. –Are you funny!? Is this funny?- I really need to brush up on my smack talk. Being stuck in HQ doing odd jobs has gotten me lazy. As I’m smacking this newbie over the head I see some blokes run past me in some kind of a hurry. Probably nothing, I think, and I continue bludgeoning this smart alec until he’s on the floor crying. Some of the troops we get in these days are right wet flannels. Just as I’m about to land the finishing blow another running bloke comes down the corridor and grabs me by the overalls. –Grunt we need all hands to the induction room, there’s been some kind of gas leak. Place is a mess-. Balls.

-Right minions, too the induction room!- me and my newfound troop of buffoons run off down the corridor in search of the cause of this toxic outburst. Now I’ve never been much of a thinker. I’m a better doer, so I guess the guys with the breathing masks just didn’t make me think “I’ll need one of those” –Stand back villains, I got this!- I say, whilst diving into the room filled with black smoke. I tumble to the floor and things are a bit hazy. –Koffing?- there he was. Smug as ever. Happy with himself even. –get in your ball you git!- fortunately he had had his fun by this point and hopped back into the ball just before I passed out.

-You alright kid?- I’m groggy waking up. I cough and wheeze a bit. –Did you get eyes on what caused this thing?- -Err, yes?- -We need to know if there was a security breach- -Well it was pretty dark but I’m almost one hundred percent sure it was that guy.- I point at the Lord of the Noobs –Me, what you on about? I haven't done nothing! Get off me!- -Yeah I sniffed him out right quick, must have infiltrated us. Good job you have me on duty with the screening process.- there’s this awkward pause and then they buy my lie! Sweet success. The Lord of the Noobs is carried off flailing. He wouldn’t have lasted anyways. Besides they’ll probably just rough him up, blindfold him, then leave him in the desert. Win win!

After closing things up with the incident team I turn to my expectant newbies. –Good job.- I nod, then go to turn in for an early night.

MISSION COMPLETED
reward 10 pokedollars